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Marriage in Islam

Allison Knight-Khan - 5/10/2007

In America, the marriage failure rate exceeds the success rate. In fact, 57 percent of marriages are ending in failure. The short life span of an American marriage is two years and two months.* This is a very temporary result for the “state of bliss,” which we call marriage. What has gone wrong with expectations that marriage is not the “happily-ever-after” dream that is advertised to us from childhood on?

An American reporter came to dinner at our house last year and she described the work she was researching. She told us that there was an alarming trend where couple split up when one of them gets a serious illness. I could see that it upset her. It seemed to make her ill to think that after ten or twenty years of marriage, one spouse would literally ditch the other when they found out that the spouse had cancer or a stroke. It was a sad case of “Just when I need you most…you ran away.” What has happened to marriage in America?

My parent’s marriage lasted thirty four years. They were not Muslim. My father came from Scotland and my mother was from Michigan. Their marriage had lots ups and downs, but my mother would not contemplate divorce. One day I asked her why she wouldn’t consider divorce. She said that it would kill my father and she couldn’t do that to him. They made a commitment that was meant to last a lifetime and they stuck it out. So how did American marriages become unglued?

Islam has a wonderful solution to marital problems in American. The answer to marital ills will not be popular. It has been outmoded, called old-fashioned and thrown in the trash heap, but it is the way Americans can save their marriages. The Holy Qur’an subscribes sacrifice as the key to a successful marriage.

The Holy Qur’an prescribes limits in marriage, because it is the document which our Creator provided to help us until the end of time. The limitations on marital relationships provide a successful framework for marital success, because our Creator would like us to enjoy meaningful marital relationships, which, in turn, provide a solid social setting in which we can raise our children and enjoy social relations.

The index of my Holy Qur’an, translated by Maulawi Sher Ali, puts marriage under the heading of “Women.” It is as if women are synonymous with marriage and the purpose of women is marriage.

Although the word sacrifice is absent from this section of the Holy Qur’an, I intend to prove that the limitations prepare all Muslims to become habituated to sacrifice to such an extent that sacrifice becomes a natural part of marriage.

There are four situations in which a woman is forbidden to her husband: one, during menses: “it is a harmful thing, so keep away from women during menstruation, and go not in unto them until they are clean” (2:223); when she is fasting: “It is made lawful for you to go in unto your wives on the night of the fast” (2:188); and forbidden during a period of retreat in the mosque: “and do not go in unto them while you remain in the mosques for devotion” (2:188) and during pilgrimage (2:198). It is clear that men must sacrifice their tilth when they focus on prayers—fasting during Ramadan, itqaf and hajj. These events are of limited duration.

However, man must regularly forgo intimacy with his wife one week out of every four. There is no benefit in this abstinence for the man. Rather, it is a mercy for the sake of the women. Men must become habituated to an unselfish habit for the sake of their wives. Allah is prescribing that men be kind and considerate to women who feel some pain and discomfort every month for the sake of bearing children.

What is the object of marriage, according to the Holy Qur’an? “Your wives are a tilth for you; so approach your tilth when and how you like and send ahead some good for yourselves; and fear Allah and know that you shall meet Him; and give good tidings to those who obey.” (2:224)

Allah instructs man to “send ahead some good” for himself. I enjoy how the italics emphasize this good. What does it mean? The answer to that could be broad or narrow. Allah is encouraging man to be thoughtful, kind and considerate of his wife, rather than selfish. His model husband is appreciative of his wife. But then, as our Creator, he knows mankind. He says “man is created weak,” (4:29) so He prescribes limits for us. He reminds us that we shall meet him some day, so we should not break the rules set out in the Holy Qur’an.

Allah tells the newly married husbands “and for the benefit you receive from them, give them their dowries, as fixed.” (4:25) The focus of many marriages in British history and around the world, shows that alliances are made through marriages and so many a man has used it as an opportunity to gain wealth. This option is not available to believing Muslim men. They are expected, instead, to give a set amount of money upon marriage. It puts man in the habit of giving to his wife, which prevents miserliness. Due to the prescription to give a dowry, man must perforce contemplate the “benefits of his wife,” which suggests that he should be grateful to his wife.

Allah is Rehman, the one who gives without asking. Therefore, if man is to emulate his Creator, he too, must give without nagging. He is not allowed to be selfish, financially.

But, if he is in straitened financial circumstances, he cannot be stretched beyond his means. The Qur’an states that “there shall be no sin upon you for anything you mutually agree upon, after the fixing of the dowry.” (4:25) Sacrificing money is a test of character. But, Allah allows for forgiveness of this debt owed by the husband to the wife, if they mutually agree to it. If the wife does not forgive the debt, it is still owed. What an interesting psychological way to start a marriage. Either the man must give his wife some of that money-power that he has as the money-earner or he is indebted to her. If the wife forgives the debt, then she demonstrates her generosity as the merciful one.

The reason the very word sacrifice is absent from most discussions about marriage today is because it is considered a negative aspect of marriage. While women are often described as martyrs because they have to bear the children, the Holy Qur’an adds counterbalancing sacrifices for men. They must make sacrifices whether they are self-sacrificing types when they get married or not. Thus, Allah stretches ma’s capacity to give and care for another human being, before the children arrive, requiring the biggest sacrifice of time and money.

Allah describes a marital relationship in the following, enigmatic way: “They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (2:188) It is a verse that deserves more contemplation, which may provide a gold mine of analogies. A wholistic interpretation of this verse suggests that we should want for our spouse every good thing that we want for ourselves. Thinking of our partner’s good is the best way to make the marriage a success. Making sacrifice a habit is the way to achieve this end. Consequently, Islam provides the best recipe for marital success, if we choose to follow the advice of Allah, the Most Knowing, the Most Wise.