Home >> East Asia >> China, Hong Kong & Taiwan

     Email   Print 

Family Size in China Today—One Child, Two Children, or None?

Professor Nanxi Cao - 12/2/2011

Young couples in China today face a true dilemma. The size of the future generation in a family causes great distress for many. Many couples want two children-for financial reasons that are a future matter for the child or children, for the better socialization and responsibility factor in learning to live with others, and perhaps a personal reason.

Some couples desire only one child, focusing on the cost and education of raising a child in China, taking into account the schooling costs through university, a tradition in China only now by the parents, fostering the diversification of a multi-talented child, supposedly for the betterment of the child’s future chances in the future employment, and also to provide a future generation without having to spend extra time in the responsibility of concentration of one’s own career, also giving the older parents something to do with their time, also a tradition in China that is thankfully fading out, the elderly more often than not choosing to continue with their own careers and interests as well as preferring to be with older people of their own generation more. Then, we have those couples who choose not to have children, not wanting the responsibility and intensity of raising a child. We also have those couples who cannot bear children for whatever reason, who are needlessly castigated and pressured by society and their families to have children by medical intervention or other means, whether they actually want this or not. Some of these couples eventually adopt a child that has either been abandoned, or has a serious disease or disabled, or the victim of a catastrophic disaster, such as from earthquakes or floods. In the latter case, it is a matter of generosity and human kindness to provide for such children. I do not envy today’s young couples at all.

Child rearing is not a thing to be taken lightly in any of the above circumstances. Many women are not really geared psychologically to raise children. They lack the patience to raise children, not realizing this until they are already saddled with the child due to pressure by the family. Many women today prefer to concentrate on their personal growth careerwise and personally, to explore their abilities and to change as often as needed, perhaps even jobs or careers, to find peace and joy in what they do with their lives. These women are not miserable or unhappy in reality, feeling more confident and happy in their choices in life. Having one’s parents or parents-in-law to raise the child is not the answer either. The woman still feels the pressure to be a good mother, good wife, good daughter, and a good worker, fulfilled in each role.

I am part of that past generation that was expected to have children and to remain at home, if financially able, which we were, caring for the home, children, and in China, one’s parents, which is a huge responsibility. In the United States, adult children do not have the responsibility of caring for one’s parents as they age; the government supposedly taking this responsibility, but not doing a very good job of it as a rule, with many elderly being poorly attended to, often living a very restricted existence.

When I married, I did not really want children at all. Deep down inside me, I knew it would be a mistake for me personally. I wanted to concentrate on personal growth and my education. My husband, however, had other ideas. I had four children within five years time. I was forced by necessity to stay at home for many years, caring for home and family. It is not to say that I did love my children, for I did, trying to the best I knew how to do, trying to be as a loving, caring, nurturing mother.

However, in my throwing myself into this societal role, I lost my confidence and own identity and self-image, becoming known only as someone’s wife or mother. My intelligence and personal growth were halted to a large degree. I felt mentally deficient compared with other women I met and that I was nothing important in reality. I did as expected, only to have my children grow to age of majority, 18-years-old, and to leave me, my now not having any marketable skills or abilities, having not attended vocational or university after high school graduation. By that time, a degree was required to be qualified for most jobs. I was not happy with myself or my prior life in reality. I began to hate myself and longed to be me again and to have a chance to learn more about life.

I was finally tired of hating myself and attended university, at age 48, which was not easy not having attended any formal schooling since graduating high school, 30 years before. I loved learning about myself and what I could possibly do in life. The only problem was that when I finished my university education with a BA and a BS, my age was a definite deterrent to any type of substantial employment, being then age 53. I am far too stubborn to ever give up on anything, even now. I searched in vain for work, finding roadblocks at every turn, the employers claiming that my age was a huge detriment and suggesting that I stay home and enjoy the rest of my days. I could not accept this. I gathered up my courage and searched for work in my field overseas, my final option. I did my research and left the US forever, to find a new life, where I was me, employment and growth possibilities, and happiness in living once again.

Having those children and wasting those years, in reality, even though I did raise very successful, intelligent children, was not worth the price I paid to further the future generations of the world-one being a successful art teacher, painter, art magazine owner and editor, and pottery maker; one being a professor and doctor of organic chemistry, and one a successful man with his own home building and repair company. I neither attained the supposed joy and satisfaction in being a mother. I should have listened to my heart first.

Women today do not have to give into societal demands if they truly know in their hearts that they are right about their feelings; they should not give in to this pressure under any circumstances if this is the case. They may pay dearly later for this decision of giving in to the pressures of society, as I did.

I dearly hope that young women clearly think about the reasons for their decisions to have or not bear children, regardless of whether child care is provided traditionally or not. The mother can never be replaced by a grandparent or a daycare center. The raising of that child is still her primary focus and responsibility, the child’s needs always coming first. This is much to ask of some women. For those who are driven in their hearts to bear children, I applaud them and am glad that most are as they are-good, kind, and nurturing women with huge hearts, ready and willing to sacrifice all for this cause, to provide solid, caring individuals for the future of mankind.
However, for those who choose not to have children, whether it is out of choice, the inability to bear children, or other reasons; do not put them down or think them different. It is possible to love children and to nurture them without being a biological mother. A teacher, a nurse, a doctor, or other women still love and care about children. They are simply wise enough to know the extent of their ability and willingness to give of themselves. This is not selfish. There is nothing worse for a child than having a mother who is not really there for them, as I had. It is damaging to both the mother and the child in the long run. These women have other roles to provide in this world, to promote the future of their country and themselves, to be role models for other women to follow in the future. This is a good thing in reality as well. We need both mothers and women, who do not have their own children, to care and love the world as well.